Parents play a big role in our growth and development. There’s no doubt about that. But are there certain practices and parenting techniques that parents can choose to enact to help kids develop more confidence at a young age?

I think there are. Because I think I experienced them myself, when I was growing up.

My mom, who is a mother of four and a preschool teacher, has always been an incredible source of positivity and encouragement in my life. Over the holidays I sat down with her and spent some time discussing how she tried to raise my three brothers and myself to be confident kids. I asked her: Is it possible to raise confident kids intentionally? Here’s what we talked about.

Me: Growing up, you always told us to “be kind and wear a smile” [When my mom dropped us off anywhere or said goodbye to us, these were always her parting words. She also told us, “I love you” and “Have a great day!”] Why did you give us that advice?

Mom: Well, I think it’s important in life that you are kind to others – it’s the Golden Rule: treat others how you want to be treated. If you’re kind, people will in turn be kind, and if you wear a smile, maybe if someone’s having a bad day you’ll make their day by smiling. And it gives you a positive outlook if you smile. Why frown? It takes more muscles to frown than smile! You know? Be happy! You have a choice, every day, when you wake up: happy, mad, sad… wouldn’t you pick happy? That’s what I always told you – when you get up, you have a choice. Why not be happy? Why be miserable? It’s a waste of time.

Me: I agree. I feel like so much of who I am now, and how I think I can do anything (if I put my mind to it and work hard) is because of you, and what you told me when I was growing up. But not all parents are like that – not all kids grow up thinking that. Is that something that you were told when you were growing up?

Mom: I think some things were lacking in my relationships so I wanted you to have your parents there for you, and there to encourage you and be there when you needed them. When you had happy times or sad times, I wanted to be there for you because my parents weren’t always there, I felt, sometimes.

My own mom would say if I was sad that people didn’t want to play with me or said hurtful things, she would say “They’re jealous of you.” That’s what I would get. I think my Aunt Camille had influence on me too – she said to be kind to others. And my dad always helped people. He was very outgoing and friendly, and so was my mom. He was in the Navy, and then he was a policeman, I mean he knew everybody. So I got the outgoing card from both of them – they both were “people-people.” Dad I think grew up with some negative stuff too that I didn’t want to carry on, so I was very aware of that. I didn’t want you to have that in your life.

I wanted the focus to be on the positive, not the negative, with my kids. To recognize the good you do, and to encourage you to keep going towards what you wanted to do. If you said “I can’t,” I would say “Don’t say ‘I can’t’ – you can. You can do this.” You just have to change the way you’re looking at it and change your outlook. I remember us saying stuff like that when you were little – I just wanted to let you know that you CAN do it. You can do anything. You just have to look at things in a different way and think positively and be happy. If you’re happy and positive, you’re going to be able to do more in your life. If you have a glass-half empty attitude, you’re never going to do anything – you’re just going to drown, if you will. You’ll sink.

If you’re happy and positive, you’re going to be able to do more in your life.

My Mom

Me: What do you think about, you know how Dad talks about how Simon Sinek says that millennials are raised with “special snowflake” syndrome and they believe they can do anything. And so they’re unhappy when they get in the workforce because they’re like, “I’m not special here.”

Mom: Oh they do say that! He learned that too when we went to Noah’s [my youngest brother’s] college orientation. And I was like… “Wow, I guess I kind of did that” [We shared a good laugh here.] And I thought about it and I guess I did push the kids to think they can do anything, but I WANT them to think that. I don’t want them to be discouraged.

But I also didn’t like you to fail… and that’s probably wrong. Because you should be able to fail and figure it out on your own. I think I did it more so with the boys [my three brothers] than you because I didn’t like them to fail – like I would help them if they needed help. Maybe I should have let them suffer the consequences – you know like, if they forgot their homework, if they forgot their lunches… I would bring them. You understand. You didn’t have to have that kind of backup.

Me: Was it because I just didn’t need as much help? Maybe it’s a gender thing?

Mom: It might be gender. I just think it’s more your personality. You’re more… just organized. I did not make you a perfectionist – it started with you in kindergarten or first grade. You had a breakdown in first grade about homework! You were saying, “I can’t get the three papers done!” We had to go in and talk with the teacher and everything.

Me: I had to write three papers in first grade?!

Mom: Yeah, you had to have the morning work done – these three pages done when you came in. And you started to cry! I remember you said “I can’t do this!” And we said, “You can do it!” It’s just you were too hard on yourself – we didn’t make you that way. It’s just something inside of you – you have inner drive and hard work ethic. And you want to be the best. You don’t want to settle.

Me: Yeah…

Mom: I remember in 9th grade, you had a group project, and one kid wasn’t doing his part and you said something like, “You better do your work cause my grades are important to me!” I’ll always remember you telling him that. And I thought, “She’s gonna lay him out” [more laughter.] Then after that, you just started doing all the work on group projects – you gave up on people. You just didn’t feel they were carrying their load.

Me: I hear that, and it obviously makes me feel good, because it’s like, “Oh I was just a natural hard worker, and confident.” Do you think there are certain things I did when I was younger like, maybe, taking dance class, that had an impact on that confidence?

Mom: You had a lot of activities you participated in, and you had to be organized because of that. I mean what child has 7 activities in first grade? You did ballet, tap, jazz, Brownies, art class… You did a lot of things. I mean you LIKED being busy. Some kids like being busy.

Me: What would you say is your best advice for starting kids off on the right foot, and helping to raise kids with confidence from the very beginning?

Mom: I think just show them a lot of love and affection, and that you’re there for them. Hug them. Cuddle them. And as they grow, make sure you have rules and consequences. One thing I want people to know in this day and age is you can’t be your child’s friend, not until they’re older. Be their parent. They need you to be that. And be positive – encourage them to try. Cheer them on in every little thing – even the small victories. Be encouraging and loving and be there for them. Be a part of their life.

[Dad enters the room]

Mom: What I see now, when I’m teaching, I see parents who don’t have a lot of boundaries. Kids seem to do whatever they want – and you can’t let kids do that. It’s tough… because you don’t want that child that’s talking back to the teacher, but you do want the child that’s standing up for themselves. There’s a fine line.

Dad: I think that’s just raising decent people. You were always outgoing, you were never shy around other people or in a crowd.

Mom: You weren’t afraid to try something or do anything. I always praise people – I say “Keep trying, you can do this!”

Me: I do feel like.. growing up… I don’t know, like you said, how I already had that overachiever mentality and what caused that. But I do think it almost.. hindered me a little. I think growing up and always thinking “I have to do this” or “I have to be THIS way” or “This is the ‘right’ path” – I think that made me think about things in such a black and white way of, “Okay, I need to be ‘successful.’ What does success look like?” I need to get a good job, I need to do these things that are preconceived notions of success. And it was fine, I mean I got a great education and I learned a lot, but… I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s anything I could have done differently to get me to the point where I am now – sooner. Where I feel like I have a real purposeful mission for my work. Like fighting that idea of conventional “success.”

Mom: Well we never said “no,” that you can’t do that.

Me: I know, that’s what I’m thinking – I think I did that to myself.

Mom: Well, we always encouraged you to do the best you can, and to try things, and do things.

Dad: Well, I would say you did more than encourage. I don’t know if Alyssa ever said, “I want to be in a show and try acting.” I think that was you saying, “Hey, try this.”

Mom: Yeah, I encouraged her to try new things. Acting, dancing… Soccer.

Dad: You ran around on the soccer field…

Me: Yeah, I think dancing really helps with learning to be comfortable in front of a crowd, in front of people.

Mom: And theatre. Theatre helps too. But I think a lot of it is inside of you. I encouraged you, and everyone. I think your kids just really have to know that they are important to you.

Dad: And we didn’t have cell phones back then either…

Mom: Yes, with kids at school now, I notice how parents are always on the phone when they pick their child up from school. They barely say hi to them. You need to give them a hug and say “how was your day?” Remember how I always used to do that? Remember how I used to always ask, “Did you have a great day?” That was the first thing I always asked you when you came through the door. “Did you have a great day? What did you do today?”

Me: I wonder if that’s some of it. That basic human need piece. Especially when you’re a child, there’s all these fundamental needs, like safety and security. You created that environment in such a way, that it then inspired confidence. I had no reason not to feel safe, or confident, or happy.

Mom: If you meet a child’s basic needs by age five, it’s proven they’re likely to have less social, emotional problems. If they have someone that they can feel safe with, who gives them love and attention one-on-one.

I think in summary, just a lot of love and attention. Your children have to feel that they are important to you, and that you care about them. And positive reinforcement always. I always tried to make home a positive place where you felt safe and loved.

Summary of How to Raise Confident Kids

• Share the importance of being kind to others, and choosing happiness
• Create a positive home environment
• Encourage your child to try new things – present them with opportunities
• Create boundaries – allow your child to fail and grow, so they learn failure isn’t a bad thing
• Show love and attention (put down the phone!)
• Foster a belief that they can do anything, as long as they work hard

I hope you enjoyed this interview – I had a lot of fun talking with my parents throughout this process, and getting some fun anecdotes about my own growth as a child.

What tips do you have for raising confident kids – either as a parent, or as a child who experienced some great parenting growing up? Share in the comments!