A few days ago, I virtually met up with my dear friend, Gwen Savage, a kickass energy and mindset coach to chat about all things authenticity.

There’s a lot of pressure in today’s world to try to be like someone else… to think that you have to change who you are to be successful (or fit in line with someone ELSE’s version of success).

Gwen and I addressed this head on and talked about how to embrace and acknowledge your unique traits, talents, and gifts… so you can cultivate an appreciation of these qualities and improve your self-worth and confidence as a result. Here’s a transcript of what went down.

The Power of Being Authentic – A Live Video Chat Transcript

Alyssa: I’m super excited about today’s topic because I feel like it feeds into so many other things in our lives. And that topic is authenticity – being true to yourself and who YOU are. Last week, when we were talking about meaningful time management, we talked a lot about the idea of leading from a place of intention and following your intuition. And it’s so important to keep that present in your life and be in touch with who you are authentically. So I was thinking it would be great to start by answering the question:

“What does authenticity mean to you?”

Gwen: That’s a tough one. It’s definitely changed and transformed over the years for me. For a while it used to be just: being who you used to be, and being who you always have been. But as I’ve grown I’ve noticed it’s really not that – it’s more so being who you truly are on the inside, who you may NOT have been replicating in real life yet. So I feel like people sometimes struggle with this because they think being authentic is just “being who you are” – who you’ve been, who you grew up as, who you were told you were. But being truly authentic is figuring out the deep stuff inside – what you REALLY are like, and then doing that.

So for me, I love this topic because when I created my alter ego that’s exactly what I did. People often think of an alter ego as putting a mask ON, but I think of it as taking all the layers OFF – we’re just stripping away all the past identities and getting down to the real authentic self. So for me, I journal almost every day asking, “How can I be more ‘Gwen’? How can I be more me?” And that was something I learned from a mentor – “how can I be more me” – but it’s just stuck ever since. And sometimes I just really still shocked that I can keep finding more answers!

Alyssa: That’s awesome. And I want you to talk more about your alter ego, because I think that’s the coolest. But going off of what you said about that, I think it’s so easy for us to attach our identity to what other people think of us. And maybe who we used to be, and the way people identified us in that period of our lives. And it’s scary to step away from that because it’s almost easier to just let someone else decide who you are. It’s tough work to REALLY get in touch with who you are and embrace YOU at your core. Being more Gwen, being more Alyssa and deciding that for yourself. But it’s also incredibly empowering when you DO make that choice and have those discoveries.

It’s pretty obvious why authenticity is something we both talk about a lot in our work – because it’s such a big part of any change you want to make in your life. Even small changes – you can’t move forward unless you really are connected with who you are and what you want.

With any change you want to make in your life, whether it’s a big change or a small change, you can’t successfully move forward unless you really are connected with who you are and what you want.

Alyssa Austin, Life & Career Coach

Using an Alter Ego to Build Your Confidence & Self-Esteem

Alyssa: So talk more about the alter ego thing, because I think that is SO cool. I’d love for you to share your story with that.

Gwen: Yeah! So, for me, it started years ago, even before my business. I was back in my 9-5, I think I had just recently had my daughter and she’s 4 now, so it was almost four years ago. And I just felt really alone, really down. I didn’t even know who I was. I was like a chameleon-type person – I was this type of person when I was with these people, and I was different type of person with my parents and so on.

So doing personal development – because that’s where I started – listening to Tony Robbins, and podcasts and stuff, and I heard something really interesting. I forget the guy’s name but he was being interviewed on a podcast, and his whole thing was he helps professional athletes create an alter ego so that way if they struggle on the court, or something like that, they can attribute that to their alter ego.

So I immediately turned off the podcast and was like, “I need to create an alter ego.” And I just got to work. I didn’t need any guidance. I had always loved the name “Gwen.” So basically for me it took my from this place where I was very insecure, and always questioning myself, and always very worried about what other people were thinking about me. And really kept to myself. To go from that to over the years, “How can I be more Gwen?” and turning into this person who is SUPER confident. It’s funny because my whole family knows me as “Gwen Savage” now and it’s SO funny to me. It’s always layers – like I’m getting ready to do this next thing, and add on this next layer, and that’s exactly what creating an alter ego was for me. Just adding one thing on at a time, being a little more bold, and then a little more bold.

And the way that I did it was: I picked a certain item. Like I created the character, I created the name, I created all of her characteristics – and I then I chose one thing that was my signature “Gwen” item. Like my lipsticks, or my glasses, or my earrings. And it’s fun to wear that stuff but it’s also WHO Gwen is. And that’s how I started. Anytime I put these glasses on or these earrings on, I would become Gwen.

And it was a really fun way to level up, even in business. Thinking about what’s the next level of my business, and how can I reflect that in Gwen? And just keep stepping into that.

Alyssa: I love that. And I think there’s something so powerful in defining those characteristics, and using a physical change to make an emotional or a mental change. It’s so powerful!

In addition to being a coach, I’m also an actor, which is such a beautiful confluence of things because so much of what I teach on confidence and identity – it comes through experiences I’ve had working through characters and stuff on stage. There’s definitely something to that idea of, okay you’re in rehearsals for a show and you have this character. Maybe that character is kind of similar to who you are, maybe they’re a gross departure from who you are (which is always really fun!) But you do all this work, and you do your character work and find your objectives and create your backstory and all that stuff. And physicality is always a big part of that for me – how does this character walk, how do they talk, how do they carry themselves, etc.

But there is always a further development of that character transformation once you get into tech week and you put on your costume. And then you’re like – “Okay. This is the final piece. This is the thing that I needed.” So I love that idea of using that in your every day life and creating associations for growth and change – whether it’s the next level of your business or your alter ego – but just deciding “OKAY, that level looks like THIS. And I’m going to embody that.”

But at the same time, making sure that visual or that idea of what it looks like, is in line with what feels right and authentic to you. Which is something that I have been talking about more and more with my clients – “Listen to your gut, follow your intuition. ” Which is definitely one of those things that’s much easier to say than to do. Like “Just go with your to your gut!” And people are like, “…what?”

The Role of Fear in Being Authentic

Gwen: Totally, because we don’t even know what that feels like anymore! We’re totally programmed to listen to fear. Even as a small child you hear “Oh don’t do that, you’re going to get hurt.” So everything is like, “Don’t do this because something bad is going to happen.” That’s what we’re taught. And it’s so hard to reprogram it to “what feels good?” And KNOWING what feels good – that’s a whole process in and of itself.

For my clients, when I talk to them about being intuitive and doing what feels good, I have them check in with fear. Because that’s usually a little easier to notice. I notice fear. Maybe I don’t notice what feels good. So this is the way I explain it: We want fear to be present, because fear is a good thing. We can’t turn it off and it serves a purpose. We want fear to come along for the ride… but we don’t want to let it drive. We KNOW fear is driving when things sound like, “But what if this…?” I always tell my clients whenever you feel that? You don’t need to know what intuition is at the beginning… you just need to do the opposite of whatever fear is telling you to do. Like, “What if you can’t afford that?” Just do the opposite of that. And THAT’S your gut.

Alyssa: I was just writing about that the other day – being able to recognize fear or fear-driven statements in your life. Usually they start with “I can’t,” “I don’t know how,” “I’ve never…,” “What if…” If you’re saying something like that, there’s a very high probability that it’s coming from a place of fear.

Embracing Authenticity to Redefine Your Version of Success

Alyssa: Going back to the idea of letting other people’s opinions define you – that was something that I struggle with for YEARS. I would argue probably my entire childhood into my young adult life… and I don’t know why! I was the oldest child, oldest of four, and for some reason I always had this very high perfectionist drive. I had to be perfect, I had to get good grades, I had to do what other people want me to do. And just that lingering question – that looking back, makes me sad, since this was something that I struggled with for so long and I still kind of do, I think everyone does – of “Is this good enough? Am I good enough?”

And really – what I know now – is that asking that question means that you’re measuring yourself in accordance with someone else’s standards. And not your own. Which is one of the biggest and most powerful shifts that you can make in your life and in your mindset, and really the one that led me to where I am today – being a coach and being an empower-er of others. I want to help free other people from that mindset trap where I lived for SO long. Because the first step is really that awareness that you’re even doing that – that you’re even subjecting yourself to the opinions and standards of others. If you’re so conditioned to follow the rules and do this thing and that thing and be on this career path, etc etc. It’s so easy to just follow that and not look up and say, “…Who says?” That idea of redefining success on your own terms is so powerful and it’s something that I’m exploring a lot right now.

I’m wondering if you had a similar realization in your own life? Of realizing that you were living your life in accordance with someone else’s “track” to success?

Gwen: Oh my gosh, yes. And that sounds very similar to what I went through – reformed perfectionist. Gotta try to be the best.

Alyssa: And I think that’s a female thing too – 100%.

Gwen: Yes. And I grew up in a very strict household where success means love. We accept you when you’re doing really good. When you’re doing bad… we’re disappointed. We’re not angry, but we’re disappointed.

What happened with me was very drastic and dramatic, which is why I’m a very rebellious person now. I spent 20 years of my life doing that… and as soon as I got pregnant, which was a disappointment to my mom. I mean, I had done the scariest thing you could EVER do to your mom – get pregnant before you’re married. But then I realized – I lived. My mom was disappointed in me, and embarrassed of me… but I lived through that.

So when I got more on my feet after pregnancy and postpartum depression, with my alter ego and stuff, I realized – I LIKED doing the complete opposite. I liked pushing the boundaries and doing the opposite of what people expect of me. Do I still have that natural craving for acceptance and love? Of course. I’m only 25. But for 20 years of my life, I was conditioned to check in with other people before I did something. So, it’s a journey, but I find that it’s so much fun once you figure a little piece about yourself out. Like, I can actually live when other people are disappointed in me… and empower OTHER people while doing it.

So that was a big dramatic shift in my life, and if I hadn’t done that, I don’t know where I would be. I wouldn’t be here. That was the biggest defining moment of my life – realizing I didn’t have to please other people in order to be happy and to be me.

That was the biggest defining moment of my life – realizing I didn’t have to please other people in order to be happy and to be me.

Gwen Savage, Energy & Mindset Coach

How to Consistently Tap Into Your Most Authentic Self

Alyssa: Yes – I think there’s so much to be said for really doing the things that light you up, and make you feel like the best, most authentic version of yourself.

And that when you are that person, you feel happy and unstoppable. And I think proud is the word that keeps coming up. You’re living in line with your values, you’re doing things that are meaningful to you, and you’re just the best version of yourself. So to me, embracing your “authentic self” – that’s what that means.

And I think when you have those moments where you are being true to yourself and being the most authentic version of yourself, it’s amazing and the best way to keep tapping into that is to find more and more outlets that allow you to step into that best version of yourself. Do you have specific scenarios or activities or things that you do, and when you do those things you’re like, “Yes, I am the most me version of me right now and I feel freaking awesome”?

Gwen: That is such a good question. One of it has to be my physical appearance. So sometimes I don’t really feel like waking up, because I work from home, some days I don’t feel like getting up, taking a shower and then going into doing my hair. Sometimes I just want to throw it back, clip it back. Sometimes I don’t feel like doing my makeup, but I know that that’s when I feel the most me. I put on my earrings, I put on my lip color, whether my hair is done or not. At least if I do my makeup I’m like “Okay this is me.” It just feels more like me. I feel more confident and I don’t even think it’s about the makeup and covering up what’s underneath. I just feel like it’s a self-love thing.

Putting all of that stuff on. That’s definitely very much me. Another thing is just listening to music. I never really gave this the credit that it deserves, but listening to music gets me into myself so quickly compared to anything else. So I think that’s why we talked about last week, how I loved going for drives because I think the whole concept of driving around, going on rides – it’s me and the music and just a straight shot. It’s just all music and the vibes.

So really, just listening to music, doing my makeup and that’s really it. Journaling sometimes too, and asking myself, “How can I be more Gwen, how can I be more Gwen?” And then pushing myself to try that new thing. It’s always new things.

Alyssa: Yeah. One of the best ways to continue to nurture and grow your relationship with yourself is to do new things and then to just take stock of, “Okay, did I like that? How did it make me feel? Is it something I want to do again?” And then just do more of what makes you happy and brings you joy. I could talk about that all day. But that’s so funny that you said about makeup – I think the things that you wear and just that aspect of taking pride in how you look, that can certainly shape feeling like the best version of you.

For me, wearing lipstick was not even something that I did until a year ago when I was like, “You know what? I really like my lips and I really like when I wear lipstick. I like the way that makes me feel. I like that way it makes me look. I’m going to do that more.” And so now pretty much every time I do a live video, I do it because it makes me feel awesome! But it’s not something that I really realized about myself until about year ago.

And I think that’s another thing about authenticity is it changes all the time. You never know when you’re going to discover something new that makes you feel great or makes you feel like the most you version of you.

Gwen: Yeah, I agree with that too. The lipstick thing is definitely my thing. I never wore it, because I was only in high school and stuff. But once I started to do that, the confidence that came from it, I was like “Whoa.” And then same thing, when I did my first live video, I was like, “Okay, I have to make sure I put Gwen on.” I put the most vibrant, prominent color I had, and then it just made it easier cause instead of looking at my face, instead I was looking at my lips the whole time and like, “I like my lips! I can do this.” And then at the end when I re-watched it I was like, “That wasn’t that bad.” Because I had that confidence of, “Oh look at my lips, they look nice.”

Alyssa: I think, again, it’s just a matter of opening up your awareness so that when you do have that happen you can register, “I felt great when I was doing that or when I was wearing that lipstick.” Mental note: “I’m going to do more of that.” Carry on, and just keep growing and building from there.

Gwen: Yeah and giving yourself space to try new things, which is something we also talked about last week, is that whole challenge that I did with myself, to have coaches, trying a new thing of self care every day. It would also be really cool for people to just do that in general. New activities, new hobbies, just trying new things on and while trying it, having an open mind of, “I may or I may not like this and if I do like this I can make it my new thing.” Instead of feeling, “Oh, if I do this, I’m going to be judged because this isn’t my thing, this is her thing.” You can make whatever you want, your thing. Your thing gets to be your thing.

Alyssa: Yeah, exactly. And I think so much of that, we’re kind of dancing around this topic I’m realizing, but speaking of fear and fears that people have: obviously one of the top fears that exists on the daily is fear of judgment. I think that is what motivates or prevents the motivation of a lot of our actions. And we get so wrapped up in, “What are other people going to think if I do this, what are they going to say? How is their opinion of me going to change, etc?”

I was reading “Big Magic” by Liz Gilbert a few months ago, and she had a line in the book and she was talking about fear of judgment and the point of it was basically saying: “Don’t worry about what other people think of you because they’re not looking at you, because they’re so worried about themselves. They’re too busy worrying about what other people think of them to be worried about what your worries are.”

And it was like, yeah, we’re all SO wrapped up in our own shit, don’t overestimate, for lack of a better phrase, how much people care about what you’re doing. In the best way!

Gwen: Yeah, it’s very true. Even when, if you walk into a store and you’re not very comfortable with your appearance, say you feel like you need to lose weight. Nobody in that store is thinking about how much you need to lose weight.

Alyssa: Right, exactly.

Gwen: Nobody! Because the people in the store are thinking about how much they need to lose weight and how much should they look like or whatever, at that store. I use that example all the time because people that I know like my grandmother and people that are very self conscious in my family, which tends to be a trend. I tried to explain it to them. They’re worried about them, they’re worried about what they’re buying or the stress that’s on their mind. You have to think of that too, people are so stressed out and doing so many things nowadays.

The last thing that they have time for is to worry about what you’re doing on daily basis.And if they DO, you have more of a fan, than you have a hater, they actually like you on some level. And even if people are triggered by you, sometimes too people will judge you because they’re triggered by you. But that’s a good thing because it means you’re doing something that’s triggering something inside of them that they haven’t given themselves permission to do. And that’s the only reason for the judgment, is because they resonate with it, but they have not given themselves permission to do it.

Alyssa: Yeah. Oh my gosh. I love that. There’s this exercise that I’ve read about that I forgot about until just now, but it helps you skirt that fear of judgment or safely step outside of your comfort zone. And it’s basically the idea of treating your actions as a game and being like. “Well what if I just did this? Or what if I just went out and I bought that thing? Or I did that live video or whatever?” And it just, almost minimizes the seriousness I think, which makes it more of a “What if? Yeah, I’ll just do it.” And I think that’s a brilliant way to give yourself a little kick in the butt to just try it, what if did you did that? So that’s a fun little exercise.

Gwen: Yeah. Also I think what that does is… Asking yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?”, or “What if you did do that?” It gives you permission to think the bad things or it gives you permission to open up to that. And when you don’t do that, you’re creating resistance around it and you’re you’re shaming it and making it such a bad thing that, there could possibly be a negative outcome. So you push it down, you don’t want to deal with it, so you’re fighting with yourself, “I should do it, but no, it’s going to be terrible.” But when you just open that up and get rid of that resistance, by saying, “What if you did?” You stump yourself, so, “Oh well I never thought of it that way. I guess I should.”

How to Start Your Process of Self-Discovery to Embrace Your Authentic Self

Alyssa: So I guess one last thing that might be cool to talk about is what tactics would you recommend to people, based off things that you teach and things that you work with your clients on, for connecting with their authentic selves and being the most you version of you? Whether it’s exercises or journaling or whatever. What would you recommend to people to start that journey?

Gwen: Well, there’s so many things. There’s so many things that are out there right now; morning routines that are good for you and certain exercises, and the first thing that I would say is kind of what I already said, just open up the possibility that… Okay, all of these things are great, all of these things work for certain people. It’s not this one’s the best, this one’s the worst. It’s whatever works for you, meaning whatever feels good to you is what will work for you. And so, is there a certain process that I would say to go through? Not necessarily. I feel like if something comes up, if you see something, if it’s a book, if it’s somebody preaching about something, try it out. Having that open-mindedness, we you’re like, “Okay, I’ll try it.”.

Try it for a couple of days, try it for a week maybe to make sure that you’re not just resisting it because it’s exercise. Like the first time you’ve exercise in a while. And then allow yourself to change. Because for me I was big into going to the gym, lifting weights, and then I changed, and then all of a sudden I liked cardio and I liked running And then all of a sudden I changed and I liked yoga and I was like, “Oh, I love yoga!” And then I just stopped liking any of it. I was like, “I’m just going to go for some walks.” It’s just being open to it. Noticing when somebody acknowledges something new and you’re like, “Oh, okay, that sounds like that would be a good idea.”. Trying it out and then letting yourself be the one, the determining one, that says this does or this doesn’t work.

And then not getting discouraged when it doesn’t work, because it doesn’t mean you’re a failure because everybody else says that this is the best thing. And so for morning routines, there are certain things where it’s like, “Okay, exercising regularly, doing a morning routine and having some sort of structure.” Probably good things. How you do it is up to you.

Alyssa: Yeah, well I think that’s the thing is, it’s different for everyone and that’s the nature of authenticity. Everyone is different. Everyone has unique processes and ways that they feel most connected with themselves. I would agree with you in the idea that getting some outside help or some outside prompting is one of the best ways to then make those discoveries for yourself. Like I have this one book, it’s called “52 Lists for Happiness“…

Gwen: I probably did see it and was like, “Lists? Get that out of here!”

Alyssa: But it’s kind of a fun idea in that it encourages self-reflection. And the lists are cool. They’re not necessarily focused on the list making. It’s more of the reflection of, “What are some of your favorite childhood memories? What do you really like about yourself? What are you really proud of?” And just all these different prompts that I think help people who complete them, and answer these sorts of questions, really just create that sense of connection and do that discovery within yourself. Because you can never do enough, is my opinion. You could answer every question and do every questionnaire or exercise and all that. You’re always going to find out something new about yourself.

But the point of doing that is you go through and you answer these questions and you go through these reflections. And inevitably you will find things that you’re like, “Oh yeah, I do really like that about myself,” or “I AM really happy when I do that thing,” or “That feels right.”

So that’s probably the best thing that I could recommend to people. And that’s why every program that I have starts with a unit or a lecture or a call, on Identity and really tapping into who you are. Because so many people don’t even make time for that. A lot of the times, I’ll ask the questions in it and my clients would be like, “Wow, I’ve never even thought about it.” And I’m like, “Well, that’s why we’re doing it!”

Gwen: Yeah. I actually was just thinking of a few things as you were saying that lis. A few things that I’ve been able to do that I was starting to realize like, “Oh yeah, wait, that’s how I found that out.” So you hear this a lot, in trying to figure out who you really are, is when you first start, going back to childhood. Thinking about, “What did I really like to do as a kid?” You were saying childhood memories. So that’s when that clicked for me. I’m like, “Yes!” For a lot of people, pure childhood, when you were a certain way before you started being told no so many times.

For me I was the clown of the family. I was always cracking jokes. I was always dancing. I was always being funny. I was the center of attention. And then when I was this very timid, insecure, shy person, I was like, “This isn’t really me.” But because I had done that for so long, I really thought that was me. When you start to go back, and now I’m putting the pieces together and I’m like, “Oh my God. Yeah.” I actually was naturally a very entertaining person. I was always having fun, but I didn’t give myself permission to do that because what I had been programmed because of that. After doing that for a few years, I started to learn, people don’t like when you outshine them. It makes people feel bad. You’re taking the attention away from other people and so on and so forth.

So two things that I would say to do, to start if you have no idea where to start. The first thing I would say is “What were you like as a kid? A young kid, like six years old, six and before?” If you don’t know, ask other people.

And then the other thing is “What have you always wished you could do but never thought you could do?” For me, I’ve always really been interested in music. I’ve always been interested in the idea of singing. I’ve always been like, “Oh I wish I could sing, I wish I could sing.” It’s the thing that I remember saying the most is, “I really wish I could sing.” And then giving yourself permission, “Well, why can’t I? I could if I want to.” And then trying that new thing, and you might find out, “Okay, maybe you haven’t been able to sing cause you’ve been pushing yourself down for so long.”.

Maybe if you got a voice coach, you would be able to really sing. And just giving yourself that permission. So the first thing; figuring out, “Well, who was I when I was a kid? What did I really like? What was natural for me before I got covered up in all those layers of other people’s ideas and identities.” And then what’s that thing that you’re like, “Oh, I can never do that.” If you think to yourself, “Oh, I can never do that. You probably really want to.” And so try it.

Alyssa: I think it’s so powerful too, like you said, think about your childhood. Even with some of my clients that I work with in a career coaching capacity, one of the things that I ask them, when we talk about next steps is “What did you want to be when you were a kid?” Because there’s a reason you wanted to be that thing. And it probably hasn’t gone away. Granted for some people… You can’t be a firetruck, it might be a little bit too late to become an astronaut… But things like that, it’s okay to reconnect with those things because that was who you were at one point. And it’s very likely that it still exists inside you somehow. So I think that’s such a great rule of thumb is, “When in doubt, think about six year old you.”

Gwen: Yeah, I think our childhood is our purest time. That’s when we are the most authentic because we didn’t have so many reasons to not be. And then you get older and you see all this proof of people failing and things are scary and people don’t get to do the things that they just love to do. The world isn’t a magical place, we have to start thinking realistically and responsibly. And then those are all the layers that I talk about when it comes to creating an alter ego, stripping those layers off and then getting back to that place where you think the world is a magical place.

Alyssa: Awesome. Well, let’s see, I feel like we covered a lot of stuff. Because again, I will beat this drum forever. I don’t think that you can EVER do too much self discovery and put too much effort into connecting with who you are. Because that’s where your biggest victories will come from. Your happiest moments, your proudest moments, when you’re living your life in a way that’s in accordance with your authentic values and who you are authentically. That’s the goal. So I’m glad we got to talk.

Gwen: I agree!